The Downward Spiral

In trying to explain the ups and downs of bipolar, I am often asked about the signs of a depressive episode. Personally my depression make life literally feel as though it’s imploding and that the pressure of it all will suffocate me to death. It feels as though nothing will ever change and that I am condemned to a “life” of nothingness. The pain of bipolar depression runs so deeply that physically I feel as though my body has given up hope as well. My stomach aches and my insides feel as though every organ has been set on fire. The pain cannot be soothed, there is no remedy. Often times, even before my second morning alarm even goes off, I am doubled over, dry-heaving from crying so hard. To

say the world feels hopeless is an understatement. I no longer even feel part of the world.

If that wasn’t enough, paranoia runs rampant & irritability swells up over the faintest sound of a pin dropping. I can’t remember where I put anything and I have trouble remembering where I am supposed to be. I am unable to feel a connection with anyone and I suddenly have the ability to actually sleep like “a normal person” (and then some). Due to the nature of my illness, it doesn’t take an outside trigger to send me into a depressive episode. There are pre-emptive measures I take everyday (i.e. sleeping as best I can, eating well, exercising, resting when I feel I have over exerted myself, paying close attention to what my mind and body are telling me), however, unfortunately it is not enough.

So what do you do once you are in the midst of an episode? At this point it is vitally important to ramp up the self-care. I cannot beat myself up for the things that “I should be able to do.” I have to recognize that I am currently sick and need to adjust my expectations likewise. Self-compassion and understanding are of critical importance. Berating myself over my shortcomings during a depressive episode only fuels the downward spiral into the black abyss of depression. I have to find ways to continuously remind myself that hope will come back, my ability to feel connected will return and that in fact things can change, even though it all feels so hopeless and pointless in the moment.

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