Going, Going, Back, Back
- Sarah Scritch
- Oct 23, 2017
- 2 min read
One of the most important things in managing my bipolar II & ADHD mental illnesses is also the most elusive. Sleep. As far back as I can remember, trying to fall asleep was sheer hell. When I was really young, I would take a stack of books and a flashlight to bed with me. I’d put the stack of books right next to my bed hoping for some peace instead of war in my mind for one night. I’d try to read continuously picking up one book after another praying that I’d eventually fall asleep in the midst of reading.
In hindsight, I know that this strategy was like bringing a knife to a gun fight. Every single night it was the same battle with the outcome. As I grew up, the books were replaced with writing and drawing. This is one of the pieces I wrote while trying to battle my mind through the night with a pen and paper.
Restless (age 18)
(Pre-bipolar II and ADHD diagnoses)
Why is it that every night it’s the same thing? I am restless, haunted by the past and disturbed by the future. So many hours I lie in bed trying to sleep, but it is hopeless. So many thoughts and feelings consume me. The only way I can feel at ease is through writing or drawing. I wish that just one night however, that I could go to bed and get to sleep peacefully. I wish there was a way to put my million thoughts to rest once and for all, but I know there isn’t. The sleepless and restless nights will continue until I can feel that I have stability and confidence in my life and in what I am doing. I really hope I can feel that way soon because these restless and sleepless nights are driving me crazy. I just want to be set free from my mind, my conscious, my head. Just a little break, a little relief would be nice. I long for the night I can go to sleep with thoughts that will put me at ease. Although, I have strong doubts that this day or night will ever come. As for now I guess my only defense is this pen and paper. I guess I will have to keep writing and drawing my way to sleep.
