Up, Up and Aw...Where the Fuck Am I?
- Sarah Scritch
- Oct 14, 2017
- 3 min read
In an effort to streamline my medications, I recently came off of my 40mg dose of Latuda. While I am much more used to the deep depression of my bipolar mood swings, this actually sent me into a week straight of hypomania.
I was severely agitated, paranoid and just all around uncomfortable. I constantly felt as though I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and could not stand the thought of being alone with my own swirling thoughts. I did my best to fill my time by making plans with people. When I was with other people I was able to distract myself even briefly from the sheer terror of my mind. My thoughts were going so fast that I couldn’t even think about one thing long enough to start it. I sat on my couch and starred blankly at the wall, almost as though I didn’t want to scare my brain. If I sit here motionless, maybe it won’t notice me. No such luck. TV was irritating, music sounded more like screeching and sleep was a completely foreign concept nowhere on my radar.
Somehow, I did manage to enthrall my brain with a 30 minute documentary on train jumping hobos. I was in awe of their day-to-day, carefree lifestyle. I quickly became convinced that this was my calling and I should leave everything behind and move to Italy. I speak the language pretty well, after all. Yes, all I had to do was sell off some of my things, pack a bag and jump on a plane. I would get off of the plane and simply rent an apartment and be able to find work under the table without a problem. Yes, this idea is great (and flawless)! I started to lookup how much I could sell my car for but then quickly became distracted by searching for the best price for my airfare. Ah, yes! This will do! I got up to get my credit card and then realized I was about to be late for an appointment. I closed my computer and headed on my way.
A few days later, I was going through my search history and saw the numerous searches for airfare prices. I thought to myself, “Oh. Crap. OH CRAP!” It hit me (and scared me) at just how easily convinced I had been that my idea was rock solid and something that I should go through with. Thank god, my inability to focus (thank you ADHD? or thank you bipolar hypomania?) lead me away from a very costly mistake. I did not consider that I by no means had the financial luxury to do execute this. The thought of running out of meds and not having my psychiatrist or my psychologist around never even entered my whirlwind of thoughts. What about my support system? How would I furnish an apartment with no money and very few belongings? And finding a job…I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that could be as a foreigner. What kind of job did I expect to be working anyways?
Typically my hypomanic phases do not last this long. They are usually only 3-4 days. Having it go on for 8 or so days with no sleep really did a number on me. It startled me at just how convinced I was that I should go through with my “plan”. It was a plan that in my right mind, I would NEVER consider with such a severe lack of thought. For the first time I really understood why some people prefer the depressive side of the cycle to the hypomanic or manic side. Bipolar disorder really keeps you on your toes and/or knocks you off of them. Every mood swing is a whole new experience. Even though you have been through it before, it still feels like a brand new hell each and every time. With bipolar disorder and ADHD in the rotation, it’s safe to say that I am never safe from my brain.
