Going Back - Pre-Bipolar & ADHD Diagnoses

Once in a very long while I am caught in a moment that makes me stop and think back to my childhood and young adulthood days. It’s shocking how much of what I dealt with then, I am still dealing with now. However, now I have names for it..bipolar II and ADHD. While the diagnoses helped ease some of my self-hatred, it didn’t make the depression or the mania or the lack of focus any easier to deal with. I recently decided to look back on some of the writing I had done 10-15 years ago. I honestly don’t know how I survived but I did. I have decided to share some of my earlier writings in hopes that maybe some of the words will resonate with others who might not have been able to put words to their struggle just yet.

Lost (Age 19, pre-bipolar II and ADHD diagnoses)

I feel so lost & so down. All I want is to feel comfortable again, to truly feel happy. I feel as though I am detached from my body, on the outside looking in. I’m watching my life crumble before my eyes. I feel nothing but hopeless, helpless and heartbroken. I HATE IT! I can’t explain it. I feel like all I know has been lost. My friends feel like strangers, my home feels like a motel and my family feels like distant relatives. I don’t want to feel like this.

I’m so sad, so depressed and so lost. I feel like I could cry forever. What can I do? How can I change? Why must I feel like this? I just want a moment, a glimpse of hope or reassurance. Nothing feels right. All is lost. Hope is long gone. WHY! WHY! WHY!?! I don’t understand. I need to understand so I can change, so I can fix it. What do I feel like this!?! Even my tears aren’t my own. This is the worst feeling. Nothing is mine, nothing is familiar, nothing is real. Why do I feel like this!?!? I’m so helplessly, heartlessly, hopelessly gone. I’m so lost.

What is this!?!?! DAMNIT! WHY!?!

#bipolardepression #depression #manicdepressive #adhd #livingwithmentalillness #mentalhealthstigma #fightthestigma #mentalillness